Saturday, December 10, 2011

Investment Advice

These are uncertain financial times we live in. How does a simple guinea pig know that? Well, for one thing, my male staff's language becomes X rated when he watches the stock market report on the telly. Apart from that, cavies are known throughout the animal kingdom as financial experts. Whoever heard of a guinea pig losing a fortune on the stock market? I rest my case.

Now, I understand that humans get a little bit confused with fiscal matters, so today I have listed a glossary of terms to help you get to grips with the jargon that you're likely to hear from politicians and economists on the television.

Chief Embezzlement Officer

Corporate Fraud Officer

Bull Market         
A random, short term stock market movement which causes the investor to wildly overestimate both his financial wisdom and his wealth.

Bear Market       
A six to eighteen month period during which the investor comes to terms with the fact that he's not so damned smart as he thought he was.

Value Investing  
The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio          
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

What your Financial Planner has made you.

Standard & Poor
What your life is thanks to your financial planner.

Financial Planner 
A person whose phone has been disconnected and who's mail is redirected to Brazil.

Market Correction 
What happens the day after you buy stocks.

Stock split         
When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

People who's opinions are ignored by the CEO when granting himself a salary increase.

The fog that drifts across the investor's eyes when he hears financial jargon.

Fiscal Conservative
Anyone who spends other people's money.

Finance Minister
A government portfolio commonly given to the least numerate member of parliament.

The member of parliament who takes economic advise from the Finance Minister.

Hedge Fund
When your financial adviser has stolen your money and hidden it in a hedge.

Cash Flow
The movement your funds makes as they disappear down the toilet.

Greatly Depleted Purse

One who makes a fortune by exploiting poor people and then gives a tiny fraction of it back to them.

Merchant Banker
Cockney rhyming slang.

So there you have it. Hope it helped to clarify a few things. Now, here's some free investment advice.
Withdraw all your cash and line the bottom of your guinea pig's cage with it.