Sunday, July 10, 2011

Let's Speak Piglish

Last night's television was so dull that I almost fell asleep in my drinking water and drowned. It was only one of those awful Joyce Mayne ads that woke me up, yelling "DON'T YOU MISS OUT!" at full volume. It's the first time I've been glad to hear one of their adverts. As it is it took the rest of the evening to get my whiskers dry. The cause of this boredom? Endless discussions on the details of the impending carbon tax. Pundit after pundit and politician after politician was shoved in front of the camera to give their opinion. It was all so predictable. Badger gave them his best death stare, but to no avail, they still kept gushing.

What a fuss you Aussie humans are making of this. It's not as though it is anything new. Norway's had a severe carbon tax since 1991 and look how wealthy they are. They have a similar economy to Australia - one that relies on minerals, though they do have a small troll exporting sector. Interestingly their carbon emissions have risen 15% since 1991, however, economic growth has risen 70% in that period so the tax is obviously doing what it's supposed to do. Humans, especially my male staff hate change. Remember how the sky was about to fall with the introduction of the Goods and Services Tax? Well, the sky's still up there as far as I can see. The carbon tax will be the same. No one will give it a second thought in three years time and we'll all be breathing cleaner air.

Now, on a more educational note, obviously we cavies have our own language, but you humans might be surprised to learn that we use some of your words too. It's just that in our language these words have a different meaning. The following is an excerpt from the Oxford Piglish Pigtionary.

Aardvark - What German labourers do.
Antelope - What ants do when they want to marry in secret.
Aspic - Something you shouldn't do in polite company.
Bar stool - The shit behind the bar who pretends not to see you when you're queueing for a drink.
Boat - A Canadian boxing match.
Catastrophe - The prize for the best feline backside.
Communist - Anyone who disagrees with 1.Rupert Murdoch.  2.The NRA  3. My female staff's father.
Crepuscular - Being both a creep and muscular. Eg. Sylvester Stallone.
Dandelion - A large, somewhat foppish feline.
Dreadnought - A bald Rastafarian.
Election - Something an aroused Chinese man has.
Feckless - Never been fecked.
General Election - When every Chinese male becomes aroused.
Guinea Pig - The most fearsome, intelligent creature on earth.
Harpist - Fifty percent inebriated.
Inviolate - Dressed in purple.
Juggernaut - A flat chested female.
Largess - An obese female.
Manhole - Former word for an access point into a ceiling or sewer. Now replaced by the more politically    correct term - person orifice.
Nonplussed - Someone who can't add up.
Oat - What a Canadian is when he or she is not in.
Ornamental - Being both horny and mental.
Plinth - The sound made by one wet turd hitting another.
Polygon - The parrot has disappeared.
Porcupine - Yearning for pig meat.
Scales - Nasty things found on fish, bathroom floors and music classes.
Sex - What Queen Elizabeth II has her coal delivered in.
Sycophant - A poorly pachyderm.
Tofu - Edible rubber.
Vet - A human who sticks large, cold thermometers up one's bottom passage for pleasure (His or her pleasure, not yours.)

So there you are. You've learned something today. Never let it be said that my blog is not educational and informative.

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