Wedding. What images does that word conjure up for you humans? A beautiful bride in a fluffy meringue dress? A nervous groom looking dashing in his rented tuxedo? Tearful mothers? Six year old bridesmaids alternatively picking their noses and tentatively nibbling at their bouquets? A droning vicar - "Dearly beloved we are gathered here today in the sight of God blah blah blah"? Maybe when you hear that "W" word you think about the reception. The embarrassing speeches, the endless toasts. "Finally I'd like to propose a toast to the pigeons in the rafters of the church for not crapping on the bride. So please raise your glasses. Ladies and gentlemen...........The Pigeons." Then there's the drunken dancing after dinner. I hate loud music, but I must admit that I do love to watch my male staff dancing. Try to imagine Frankenstein clumping about the dance floor, waving his arms about and singing Y....M....C....A at the top of his hoarse voice (although the song playing is actually Boney M's Daddy Cool) and you'll understand why I find it so entertaining.
There are elephants with more sense of rhythm than my male staff.
Anyway, my male staff's lunatic niece's wedding had all of the above and more. It started promisingly when the groom went to the lavatory at the church just before the ceremony and managed to splash water down the front of his trousers as he washed his hands (or so he claimed). This meant that he had to go through the entire ceremony looking as though he had wet himself with excitement, or maybe fear. It was my male staff's Dad's job to give the bride away, but he's more than a little hard of hearing, so when the vicar asked "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" there was utter silence. So the vicar raised his voice a little. "WHO GIVES THIS WOMAN TO BE MARRIED TO THIS MAN?" He also nodded and winked and my male staff's dad to indicate that this was his cue to say "I do." My male staff and I were in the pew behind and we suddenly realised his his Dad had fallen asleep. My male staff nudged his Dad's shoulder. No response. I thought to myself - Holy bush chocolate! The old boy's karked it. Maybe we can get a two for one deal here - a wedding and a funeral. My male staff nudged him again, this time with a little more force. This time he came to with a loud snort and a cry of "Bugger me! Where am I." This surprised the vicar because it wasn't really the response he was expecting. Nonetheless he regained his composure and asked the question again.
"Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" Still no response. My male staff and I could not see his Dad's face but he certainly had a blank expression on the back of his head. The vicar tried shouting again with more nodding and winking. "WHO GIVES THIS WOMAN TO BE MARRIED TO THIS MAN?" Finally, my male staff's Dad cottoned on and yelled back at the top of his voice.
"I DO!" The vicar was a little taken aback at the volume and looked slightly annoyed. For a moment I thought we were going to have a shouting match, but the vicar controlled himself admirably and completed the ceremony without further ado, while I curled up and had a nap on the pew next to my male staff while the vicar rambled through a seemingly endless sermon.
The Reverend Michael Roedabote having a cigarette break
after his shouting match with my male staff's Dad.
I was woken by the organist playing, just in time to see lunatic niece and her new husband walking back down the aisle arm in arm as elegantly as a pair of wet trousers will allow. My male staff notice that while I'd been asleep I had deposited numerous pellets of my finest bush chocolate on the pew, (A guinea pig's digestive system never sleeps.) so he scooped them up in one hand, holding me in the other. Numerous photographs were taken and then it was time to throw confetti at the bride and groom as they made their way to the car that was to take them to the reception. Unfortunately though, my male staff forgot that it wasn't confetti he had a handful of, but my bush chocolate and pelted the bride and groom with that instead. This appeared to annoy his lunatic niece and it may be some time before she speaks to him again.
The groom suddenly realising that he is being pelted with bush chocolate.
Anyway, the reception went very well, and when it came to the disco at the end, my male staff was a great hit with his break dancing. He span on the floor on his back and performed all sorts of impressive handstands and back flips. The other guests all stood around clapping and cheering and it wasn't until he continued his dance when the music changed to a smoochy rendition of "Feelings" that it dawned on his mad sister that he was actually having an epileptic fit brought on by all the flashing lights. I can't wait until the next family wedding.
There is no Badger's footnote this week because he's at home looking after my female staff. It's a full time job because she's always demanding glasses of chardonnay and trips to the shops. Anyway, here's a cute picture of him to keep his fans happy.
